Lemon or Cherry?
The Price of Analysis Paralysis

By Amanda Somberg

A good friend once told me a story of his grandfather, and a memorable trip to the local bakery one Sunday morning. When faced with the choice of a lemon or cherry Danish pastry, the grandfather couldn't decide. He hesitated. He waffled. He hemmed and hawed about this seemingly meaningless decision.

The grandfather's pre-teen grandson – my friend – seemed perplexed by such dithering. Why was it so difficult to choose? After an extended delay of several minutes, the grandfather finally chose cherry, but he seemed uncertain and unhappy even as he paid for and consumed the Danish.

This story illustrates what I call "analysis paralysis," the condition where an overabundance of information is gathered and weighed in the hope of finding reassurance that one is making the "right" decision. Unfortunately, for chronic analysis paralysis sufferers, the gathering of information takes so much time that the opportunity (or relationship or job) often evaporates before a decision is made. By second-guessing themselves and not trusting their judgment, analysis paralysis victims live lives of regret, continually asking "what if?"

As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I see many clients whose lives have been ravaged by analysis paralysis tendencies. These clients often lack the knowledge that bad decisions can be corrected, usually with simple modifications. They may have perfectionistic thinking, afraid they will look foolish or make the wrong decision. Many analysis paralysis sufferers worry that they will lose everything if they try something new, and feel certain that the future holds humiliating failure. Still others wait for a "better" job offer, opportunity, or partner to come along, only to lose valuable time and chances at happiness.

Sadly, analysis paralysis is self-sabotaging. In relationships, for example, the endless delays and ambivalence cause partners to leave, usually hurt and angry. The sufferer feels temporary relief now that the pressure is off and the partner is gone; however"– long-term – they lament. Our "Match.com" mentality feeds this hesitation: being bombarded with endless dating options gives us false reassurance that there will always be someone prettier, smarter, and younger. Wise individuals know, however, that love and compatibility are rare, and many otherwise happy relationships have been soured by the unrealistic certainty that hundreds of available and adoring mates are simply a click away.

So how does someone tackle analysis paralysis? You square your shoulders and stare down the looming Goliath even though you feel like a small, helpless David.

Here's how:

1. Gather information about the decision at hand, but not too much. Aim for one-third of what you normally would require to feel comfortable; then stop. You will still have plenty of data on which to base your decision.
2. Trust yourself. You have the capacity to right most wrongs and improve even very difficult situations. You have skills, and help is always available to you. There are no "wrong" decisions.
3. Lean in and leap. Ask for a raise. Move to another country if you've dreamed of it. Ask your girlfriend to marry you. Just do it. You will not die from the irrational panic and fear, and it will subside sooner than you think.
4. Relinquish control and never look back with remorse or regret. Eastern philosophies believe there are no bad decisions, that we are all on the "right" path and everything is unfolding perfectly. Adopt this concept.
5. Grieve. Yes, grieve. It is immature and unrealistic to think we will not have pain or disappointment in life. We all want perfection, smooth sailing, and a God or a Goddess for a partner. What we get is a human being, occasional misery, and challenges that will make us grow. This is life. Grieve what you're not getting in life and embrace what you have; things could have been far worse.
6. If you have difficulty committing to a relationship, purchase the book He's Scared, She's Scared. It will help you when you panic and fantasize about leaving. Your part is to stick with the relationship and make it work; your partner will relax in kind. For panic with everyday decisions, read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Your abundant, relaxed life is out there waiting for you.

If you are in a relationship with an analysis paralysis sufferer, you're painfully aware that they do not writhe alone. You are probably feeling the sting of your partner's ambivalence and foot-dragging, which can shred even the strongest self-esteem. The subtle withdrawal of your paralyzed partner causes you to be insecure and needy in kind. Your wish for safety and a commitment is the very thing your partner cannot offer.

If this is you, here is my advice:

1. Do not give any potential partner more than one year of your life. If they cannot commit or act in a way that you desire, end the relationship. Your life is precious, and sometimes leaving will spur a decision and better behavior; sometimes not. Either way, you will have saved yourself much heartache and regret. Move forward and focus on yourself and your own interests and passions.
2. Know that the more amazing you become to these individuals, the more frightened they are, because there is now no compelling reason not to pick you. The assault to your self-esteem will be irreparable if you meet the increasingly unreasonable demands of someone in the grip of analysis paralysis. Their hoops will be endless, and you will exhaust yourself trying to win the love of an ambivalent and paralyzed person. Move forward and find someone truly available emotionally and physically. Your leaving may finally push the analysis paralysis sufferer to get help.
3. For additional support, read the book Men Who Can't Love: How to Spot a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart. Don't be misled by the title; it applies to commitmentphobic women, as well. Just buy this book and start the healing process now.

Cherry or lemon, lemon or cherry? It is a tough decision, no doubt about it, but both are delicious. Eat and enjoy.

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